


Be Sure That You Compromise

by singing_to_shipwreck (shocked_into_shame)



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Mockumentary Format, My pathetic attempts at humor, Swearing, i tried to make it light and then it suddenly got feelsy, listen there isnt enough fic for this ship and i needed this, yes the damn title is from you're dead because i have NO CREATIVITY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23693506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shocked_into_shame/pseuds/singing_to_shipwreck
Summary: Nandor finds out that Guillermo has been a vampire killer this entire time. Cue reaction.
Relationships: Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 371





	Be Sure That You Compromise

**Author's Note:**

> I... this is it. I've reached my final form. I'm writing fanfiction for WWDITS and that's that. 
> 
> The format of this is inspired by the countless others that take on this same format. The one that comes to mind as is Baby Steps by katiemariie. I love the idea of writing as though its an episode, and wanted to explore Nandor finding out about Guillermo's double-life as a vampire killer. 
> 
> I tried to write a bit of comedy in here, but I am afraid it falls flat. Oh well. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

“What is all that _noise,_ Gui-eermo?”

“It’s nothing, master!”

Nandor scoffs and taps the arm of his chair, the candlelight catching and gleaming on his massive ring. “I know you are lying to me, Guillermo!” He shakes his head, looking into the camera. “Almost every night there is something going on with him. Noisy, noisy.”

A loud thud echoes above, and Nandor looks up at the ceiling, his brows furrowing. “Guillermo!” he bellows again. “If you keep making all of this rickety rackety and lying to me about it, I will give you one more demerit point, and one more year as my familiar!”

To the camera, only silence meets him in reply, but a furious expression settles on the vampire’s face as he stands up. “Don’t you take that cheeky tone with me!”

The camera shakes as it follows Nandor’s ascent up the stairs and down a long stretch of dark hallway, cape billowing behind him. “Guillermo!” he shouts, his voice booming in the empty expanse of the dark mansion. Guillermo hands visibly shake as he slams the bathroom door shut, leaning back against it with his full body weight, a resolute expression blossoming behind his big glasses.

“What?” he spits.

Nandor looks over his shoulder into the lens of the camera, mouth agape. “The nerve,” he mouths.

The bathroom door rattles. Guillermo’s chest rises and falls with heavy, nervous breaths as he applies more pressure to the door.

Nandor squints and takes a step closer, pointing. “What is behind that door, Guillermo?”

“Nothing, master,” Guillermo sends an anxious glance to the camera. The door rattles again.

“Guillermo,” Nandor huffs and gestures toward the bathroom. “I know it is not nothing. I can see the door shaking with my own two eyes.”

Guillermo sighs and looks into the camera sadly. “Fuck it,” he murmurs, before shaking his head. “Hand me that chair, master… please.”

Nandor makes a funny face at that but drags over the wooden chair, its legs squeaking along the hall.

Guillermo bends down and picks it up before smashing into down onto the floor, breaking off one of the legs, and twisting it against the doorframe so it sharpens into a point in one smooth motion. “Stand back!” he shouts, moving away from the door.

“What is going on? I am not going to… oh _shit!”_

Nandor backs into the camera, and the frame goes black.

* * *

“So, as you can see,” Nandor says to the camera, eyes wide and cape flourishing as he gestures wildly at the steaming corpse of a vampire assassin on the tile of his second floor bathroom, makeshift chair leg-turned-deadly weapon driven into his chest. “Guillermo has killed a vampire.”

Guillermo is silently sitting at the windowsill, his light brown cardigan covered in blood. “Yep,” he says nonchalantly, sighing and wiping his glasses on the hem of his sweater.

“My familiar Guillermo… small, shy Guillermo… has killed a vampire.”

The shorter man in question looks up at his master, squinting, before sending a confused look to the camera. “Yep.”

“Where did you learn how to do that, Guillermo? You did it so quickly… It was like you were not even afraid.”

“Remember when I got your DNA tested?”

“Yes, yes, and you unknowingly let the witches get a hold of my semen.” Nandor shakes his head, tsking and looking into the camera. “They won’t even let me have a portion of the magnet profits. ‘It’s very scientific’ he said. Hah! The black market semen magnets say otherwise!” Nandor almost carries on with his rant before seeming to get a hold of himself, looking down at the vampire corpse once again and clearing his throat. “Carry on, Guillermo.”

“Thank you. Well, you know I got my DNA tested, too. And I found out I’m not only a descendant of Mexican—”

“—pinata farmers, yes.”

“I’m part Dutch.”

“Dutch,” Nandor echoes, like he is trying to make sense of the word, the gears in his head turning.

“The family name is… Van Helsing.”

Nandor hisses, a knee-jerk reaction. Guillermo gives him a look that can only be described as a mix of fear and pity.

The pair seem to forget that the camera crew is even in the room, talking back and forth at the windowsill, no longer sparing a glance in the direction of the lens. “What does this mean, Guillermo?”

“I’m a vampire killer, master. It’s in my blood.”

“And this is not the first vampire you have killed?” Nandor sounds betrayed. Guillermo looks down at his hands sadly.

“No. The vampire council has sent 16… well, now it’s up to 17 vampire assassins to kill you, Nadja and Laszlo. I’ve slayed all of them… Plus the Baron, and that other vampire at the trial, but those were accidents. 19 vampires in all”

Nandor gasps loudly. “So all of this time…”

“—I’ve been a vampire hunter. Yeah,” he replies, shrugging his shoulders.

“This is what you meant when you said you were not sleeping. That you were protecting us.”

“Yes, master.”

“So you found out you were a vampire hunter, you have killed countless vampires, and you did not tell me.”

Guillermo braces himself for a scolding or worse. “I didn’t know how—”

“—And yet you still act as my familiar.” Nandor’s voice is soft as he stares down at Guillermo. “You have served me for eleven years, and I have not turned you into a vampire yet.”

“No.”

“You do whatever I tell you without question.”

“Yes.”

“You have protected this house from the harm of other vampires.”

Guillermo stands up, looking into his master’s eyes. His voice has gone soft, too, barely audible to the microphones. His brown eyes are wide behind his glasses “Of course, master.”

“You could kill me very easily,” Nandor states, simply. Guillermo looks guilty.

He takes a deep breath and responds, “Yes.”

In a rush, Nandor steps forward, grabbing Guillermo by the arms and leaning down, pressing his lips against his familiar’s insistently.

Guillermo’s eyes are wide open as the vampire pulls away as quickly as he descended. The human’s mouth opens and closes comically. Nandor’s fingers don’t release their grip on his upper arms. 

His eyes flit back and forth across Nandor’s face, thinking hard for a few seconds before leaning up on his tiptoes and throwing his arms around the vampire’s broad shoulders, tugging him down for another kiss. They kiss passionately, grabbing at each other and breathing heavily until one of the cameramen clears his throat awkwardly.

They only seem to realize the cameramen are still there at this point, pawing at each other and shoving the cameras away before slamming the door behind them with a loud whack.

“What the fuck?”

The camera spins around, turning on Nadja and Laszlo. “What the fuck?” the doll in Nadja’s hands echoes.

Laszlo looks at the doll and then at his wife. “What the _fuck_?”

* * *

“So, yeah,” Guillermo says with a small smile on his face. “I was scared to tell Nandor about me being a vampire killer. I thought he’d be mad. I didn’t think he’d react like that…” he trails off, leaning back against the wall of his bedroom, a dreamy, far-off look in his eyes.

“I guess I kind of always wondered what it’d be like to be with him like that. I still don’t kiss and tell, but let’s just say that he can be surprisingly… loving, my master.”

“Guillermo, could you come here for a minute, please?” Nandor calls gently from upstairs and Guillermo’s smile grows wider.

“Ever since the other night, Nandor barely even orders me around anymore. I bet he’s calling me to…” a blush spreads over Guillermo’s cheeks and he fiddles with his glasses. “You know.”

“Gui-eermooooo?”

“Coming, master!” Guillermo shouts back, standing up. He gives the camera a sly smile and quips, “or, at least I will be soon.”

“I heard that, Guillermo! Don’t tell the camera people about our private life!”


End file.
